Sometimes I feel like there are two "mes"--the me I let others
see--that's just on the outside--a thin layer--
and the other me that's buried deep inside--that lies there stagnant
I feel like most of the time, I just go along with whatever everyone else wants
Is there another me below the surface?
A truer me?


Truth is a tricky thing--there are facts, feelings and honesty
One person's truth may not be another's
I heard someone once say "the heart will lie to you"
How can this be true?
The heart tells you what you want--how can that be false?
Memories and feelings--these are things that tell us who we are
When you tell someone the truth it's really just your honest
opinion or a state of fact
Why do people lie? What good comes from it?
It's a waste of time and energy
Lying hurts more than the "truth"; when you find out that it was a lie, that is
I'll always tell you the truth--I have no reason to lie or to hide
anything--and I most definitely don't have anything to prove to you



I'm a total daydreamer--a fantasizer
I have these situational visions play out in my head--
the what ifs, if you will, brought to life in my mind
Most are probable figments but every once in awhile,
a true fantasy comes along (usually via celebrity-land)
They are fun and interesting to go along with, but are
probably not as healthy as I wish they'd be
I fear becoming addicted with these situations in my head
I fear I let them run amok too much, which only keeps
my hope alive
Are these figments wrong or normal?


Music is one of my biggest passions/loves of my life
Hearing a song playing that resonates with you--
to your very core--is practically life-changing
It can instantaneously improve your mood and make
you feel more alive
Experiencing another human being sing an evocative
song stirs my soul
Their vocality (pitch & melody), if strong and fluid,
can move my internal organs around and make me
melt (I positively swoon)
Music is the eternal language--one of the most
awe-inspiring forms of communication
I wish life was more like a musical--people breaking
out into song and dance
Oh what if life imitated art?



There's something missing in my life, it's so strange--
this absence of a sort
It's all of a sudden coming on--I was perfectly
content and happy these past few months--
what's changed?
Standing in the shower as the hot water cascaded
over me, relaxing me, allowing me to process my day
Venting about all the stupid BS stress I have from my
job, let me realize that, at this moment, I feel an
emptiness in the pit of my stomach--
No, not hunger--something else, it's not all-consuming (yet),
it's actually a quite small emptiness, a little hidden desire
It's an occasional reminder--a sharp, but short--nearly nonexistent--pain
That something is lacking in my life, not just the boredom
currently plaguing it
My fulfilled lifestyle isn't so satisfied anymore, I guess.
I want more.
More what, though?
If I actually look deep inside myself and not try to hide it or
lie to myself, what I really want is: love
Plain & simple.. l-o-v-e
I'm ready to be with someone again
I really want that again
I want a special someone



3:15 AM~

Acceptance is one of the hardest things to learn and understand in life
Accepting others for who they are
Accepting the way life is going if it feels like it's spiraling out of control
Accepting that you can only change yourself
Acceptance is something I've learned from all the BS that transpired this past year
Life is more content and happy once you start accepting things
There's less stress, more relaxation, less anxiety, more simplicity
Acceptance brings about a peaceful state of being
In a way, acceptance brings you out of denial--
It lets you be so free from caring about things that cannot be altered, which can let your sanity come back
Acceptance feels so right--
but as the analyzer that I am, makes me wonder: am I giving up? am I "settling"?
In a way it feels like that, because I tend to care too much, too hard for others
And the only way to truly accept is to stop caring

4:45 AM~

I am me. I am who I am.
I have no words to express who I am--because it doesn't matter, these words are meaningless
I feel who I am. I'm solid.



There are three different types of people who you'll encounter in your life:
the first type are people who come into your life momentarily, they are there for that moment and not much more
the second type are people who will always be in your life (heart & mind), constantly & consistently
and, the last type are people who are a combination of both, they come into your life for a few moments or many, and they'll always remain in your heart & mind, but may not always be in your life constantly & consistently
a hard part about this fact of life is figuring out which people are--usually it's not realized until after they're gone or drama has transpired
then once you realize which "category" a person fits into, the hardest part is a little thing called: acceptance
Accepting that people are who they are, you can't change them (you can only change yourself if you so desire)
Accepting that you have no control, no power because there are no such things


I want to believe in people, in everyone--
like how kids believe in fairy tales and Santa Claus
like how religious zealots believe in their creed
I want to trust people... again
I want to know that when I talk to you,
you won't lie to me because you so like to lie to yourself


I want to have that innocent trust again
is that an innocence lost or ignorance grown out of?
I was so closed off and introverted for so many years
And just as I was becoming such an open book, to be betrayed as I was,
and the frequency in such a short time, makes me wonder:
Was I right before to be so shut off and cautious?


I lost my virginity at age 19--it was no fairy tale,
it was no fantasy, it was no dream come true
There was no romance, no love, no foreplay
It was a choice I made--
A choice I made at 2 in the morning--
A choice I made sober
I wouldn't say I regretted it
but I wouldn't readily recommend it
It wasn't what I had expected
but it wasn't horrible.
There were no crimson-ed sheets
but a dampened comforter
The pain was bearable,
what was not was how uncomfortable
I felt throughout the entire experience
Awkwardly laying next to my first
in the cooldown period
Being pestered with asinine inquiries,
such as, "How are you doing?" and
"What are you thinking?"
All I could think about was this:
"That was sex? WHAT?"
(Closely followed by: "Am I not the girl? Shouldn't I be asking those questions?")
I did not know that sex is only like that once--usually
I lost my virginity at age 19--it was Memorial Day weekend,
it happened in a loft twin bed, this is my Vcard story



I am twirling and spinning--the world
whirls around me faster and faster
My body rocks back and forth as
I start to feel dizzy
I need to open my eyes but I don't
want to--I don't want everything to stop
The sensations are the most amazing I've
ever felt--my body feels so content,
so full, so relaxed, so fulfilled...
a long sigh follows.


"A rush of _ _ _ _ to the head." -- Me 5/6/10

The smoke unfurls through the glass
it wafts over the table, as I exhale.
I watch my exhalation as it releases into the
atmosphere, joining the rest of the pollution.
The smoke's reflection in the table is a wispy
ghost, it twists and turns as it slowly disappears.
I lean back into the couch and relax.
I feel my body sink down and completely surrender.
My eyes go from 1/4 Asian to full-on Asian
Perma-smiling my way through the next couple hours
My mind is heavy and heady as it bops back and forth.
Thoughts race and slow, regurgitating information,
cycling from one thing to the next--constantly relating.
Focusing is difficult, zeroing in and out, like a zoom lens
on a camera.
My mouth feels like there is a bunch of moss growing
in it--a cool refreshment is most desired.
The best treat is something cold and wet--
this is why ice cream is so amazing
My body hums with energy as my heart rate increases
My vision is crazy--more vibrant, bit yet seconds off
I am floating.


I started this blog years and years ago, when I was a teenager in high school. I came across it again a couple days ago, and reread what I had posted. Boy was I angsty and emo, haha (but who isn't at that age?) This past April, I took to writing again in a journal, and I feel it's time to come back to blogging. So what is written here is a collection of journal entries dating back to April of 2010 to the present.


The Once Wide World